‘It’s a curious thing; to pacify ones self.
Just a general search on google provides this definition of pacify:
For the purpose of this ramble, I think that the definition is appropriate…
My mum is visiting.. well she’s actually on her way here now. Earlier today she texted to tell me that her flight was delayed and that she was boarding the second flight, 3 hours behind schedule. We worked out that, that would mean arrival time was then moved to 8pm and this was corroborated by some people on her ends.
Before leaving home which is an hour away from the airport, I checked the status and it still displayed 8pm arrival. An uneventful journey to Heathrow, got me on the parking ramp 5 mins before my mums new and expected arrival time. Instead of driving in I decided to park up and double check the flight status (because Heathrow parking charges need a blog of their own) … only to find that the flight was further delayed by 2hrs and only due to arrive at 10pm. This meant I was at Heathrow at the very least 2hrs and 30 mins before I would actually get to see my mum. What was I to do? The conundrum only lasted….. less than a minute.. before I remembered I had my bill with me (The Trial by Franz Kafka), and I would drive back 12-15mins to the services I passed on the way in, grab a coffee and finish off the remaining pages… what a delight! From split second annoyance, I had found myself filled with an eagerness, some excitement to get to the services and act out the new and improved plan.
I put the postcode in the satnav and went on my way. As I drove, I found myself thinking about what had just happened. I was curious about my ability to make better a situation that could have disgruntled many a fellow human… I was curious about how I didn’t allow myself to get annoyed?? I mean if I am honest with myself, I am exhausted.. I had an exhausting day, this has carried forward by a 13 hr shift I did yesterday, which was e-x-h-a-u-s-t-ing!!! I ran around all day trying to get the house and room ready for my mums arrival. Maybe another person might swear out loud! Maybe curse their mother for not being able to take the bus… maybe curse the gods, other family members, maybe the airline?!? Who knows… but what stopped me from doing that? How am I able to pacify myself in such a way.
Although a good example of an incident, I find that I am remarkably good at turning unfortunate events into remarkable opportunities..
I’m currently sat in the services that I speak of… I have my coffee… I do intend to read my book but I thought I would write down my experience so as not to lose my curiosity for it. But, I can tell you… I feel great! It as if I planned coming here.. and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
But I worry about this. I worry about not letting yourself think and feel negative, not letting oneself be annoyed and sit in a pit of despair. What do you lose in the instant that you turn an apparent tragedy (exaggeration I know, but for dramatic effect) into an event such as the one I now find myself in.
If you are too good to appease yourself, are you able to let others appease/pacify you? Or do you rely on your own abilities? Is it ok? To rely on your own capacities in a world so big, filled with so many people.
I ask this, because I think I do lose something I’m not feeling disappointment and constantly feeling like I have one up on all unforeseen circumstances. Constantly making them into pleasurable experiences. What do I lose? I don’t know… but I think the answer can be found in the odd occasions where unforeseen circumstances suddenly present themselves and I find myself so completely derailed and discombobulated someone literally needs to take my hand. Or I become filled with overwhelming emotion I act out and persecute those around me, usually the ones I love the most.
Now… before I start an entire new topic let me say how this line of thinking came about in the first place.
The World Cup just ended… England was kicked out a few games ago, losing 3rd place to Belgium… I was watching the news the day after and I took note of a curious thing. All the reports about the World Cup and England seemed to be cantering around how well England did! How they were never expected to get this far… how the team is very young and it has a lot yet to come… comments about the way they played and what they had managed and how surprised people were.. how the nation was so proud of where they got to.. this really, really startled me. I had flashbacks of all the people I knew, calling in sick to work, changing social engagements, arguing with partners to get to this game.. and then England lost and nobody was angry or sad about it??? The manager of the England team is looking like a present day Odysseus, as each day passes.
And I wonder to myself… what happens to a people that don’t allow themselves to get depressed? To get angry? (Obviously within means) … where do all those feelings of anticipation and excitement go? When I speak to die hard supporters and they are filled with admiration, and well versed defensive arguments about their England team, it makes me cringe for some reason. Where did those feelings go? Is it enough to just say that it has transformed from excitement to admiration? Even in the face of defeat? What is lost by not being sad about the situation and instead bending the knee?
What is lost? And also… where does it go?