To pacify ones-self

‘It’s a curious thing; to pacify ones self.

Just a general search on google provides this definition of pacify:

For the purpose of this ramble, I think that the definition is appropriate…

My mum is visiting.. well she’s actually on her way here now. Earlier today she texted to tell me that her flight was delayed and that she was boarding the second flight, 3 hours behind schedule. We worked out that, that would mean arrival time was then moved to 8pm and this was corroborated by some people on her ends.

Before leaving home which is an hour away from the airport, I checked the status and it still displayed 8pm arrival. An uneventful journey to Heathrow, got me on the parking ramp 5 mins before my mums new and expected arrival time. Instead of driving in I decided to park up and double check the flight status (because Heathrow parking charges need a blog of their own) … only to find that the flight was further delayed by 2hrs and only due to arrive at 10pm. This meant I was at Heathrow at the very least 2hrs and 30 mins before I would actually get to see my mum. What was I to do? The conundrum only lasted….. less than a minute.. before I remembered I had my bill with me (The Trial by Franz Kafka), and I would drive back 12-15mins to the services I passed on the way in, grab a coffee and finish off the remaining pages… what a delight! From split second annoyance, I had found myself filled with an eagerness, some excitement to get to the services and act out the new and improved plan.

I put the postcode in the satnav and went on my way. As I drove, I found myself thinking about what had just happened. I was curious about my ability to make better a situation that could have disgruntled many a fellow human… I was curious about how I didn’t allow myself to get annoyed?? I mean if I am honest with myself, I am exhausted.. I had an exhausting day, this has carried forward by a 13 hr shift I did yesterday, which was e-x-h-a-u-s-t-ing!!! I ran around all day trying to get the house and room ready for my mums arrival. Maybe another person might swear out loud! Maybe curse their mother for not being able to take the bus… maybe curse the gods, other family members, maybe the airline?!? Who knows… but what stopped me from doing that? How am I able to pacify myself in such a way.

Although a good example of an incident, I find that I am remarkably good at turning unfortunate events into remarkable opportunities..

I’m currently sat in the services that I speak of… I have my coffee… I do intend to read my book but I thought I would write down my experience so as not to lose my curiosity for it. But, I can tell you… I feel great! It as if I planned coming here.. and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

But I worry about this. I worry about not letting yourself think and feel negative, not letting oneself be annoyed and sit in a pit of despair. What do you lose in the instant that you turn an apparent tragedy (exaggeration I know, but for dramatic effect) into an event such as the one I now find myself in.

If you are too good to appease yourself, are you able to let others appease/pacify you? Or do you rely on your own abilities? Is it ok? To rely on your own capacities in a world so big, filled with so many people.

I ask this, because I think I do lose something I’m not feeling disappointment and constantly feeling like I have one up on all unforeseen circumstances. Constantly making them into pleasurable experiences. What do I lose? I don’t know… but I think the answer can be found in the odd occasions where unforeseen circumstances suddenly present themselves and I find myself so completely derailed and discombobulated someone literally needs to take my hand. Or I become filled with overwhelming emotion I act out and persecute those around me, usually the ones I love the most.

Now… before I start an entire new topic let me say how this line of thinking came about in the first place.

The World Cup just ended… England was kicked out a few games ago, losing 3rd place to Belgium… I was watching the news the day after and I took note of a curious thing. All the reports about the World Cup and England seemed to be cantering around how well England did! How they were never expected to get this far… how the team is very young and it has a lot yet to come… comments about the way they played and what they had managed and how surprised people were.. how the nation was so proud of where they got to.. this really, really startled me. I had flashbacks of all the people I knew, calling in sick to work, changing social engagements, arguing with partners to get to this game.. and then England lost and nobody was angry or sad about it??? The manager of the England team is looking like a present day Odysseus, as each day passes.

And I wonder to myself… what happens to a people that don’t allow themselves to get depressed? To get angry? (Obviously within means) … where do all those feelings of anticipation and excitement go? When I speak to die hard supporters and they are filled with admiration, and well versed defensive arguments about their England team, it makes me cringe for some reason. Where did those feelings go? Is it enough to just say that it has transformed from excitement to admiration? Even in the face of defeat? What is lost by not being sad about the situation and instead bending the knee?

What is lost? And also… where does it go?


Where do you think individualism really takes society? Now wonder why depression is on the rise….

I’m currently sitting in an airport terminal.. I’ve been thinking about writing down my thoughts all day!! I’ve finally procrastinated enough, walked up and down the tiny airport, had some food, bought some goodies to take back home, toiletted twice… etc.. sitting down.. having somewhat digested the events of the weekend.. let me do my best to make sense of them here with you! 
Bad feelings surrounded this trip from the beginning.. it was a friend from University’s Hen do in another European city.. aside from not knowing anyone and never having been to the city I just felt uneasy.. 

Post trip.. there are various things that have discombobulated my brain!! 

My main conflict however, lies in the notion of individuality. Reading up on the word, an individualistic society and individualism; it seems to be a moral standing that requires one to look inside ones self and thrive as an individual BUT for the greater good… so… this leaves me confused.. 

On a trip with 6 reasonably level headed women… all rather individualistic… there was no point in time that I felt that each of the parts were moving in the direction of the greater good of us?!!! 

People clearly, through out the weekend had their own expectations, wants and needs for the weekend and these subtitles silently simmered under the surface of every decision and alliance that was made.

Those that wanted to drink bunched together, those that wanted to party bunched together, those that wanted to spend as little as possible banded together… and time and time again I felt myself on the outside, a lonely traveller…. but my poor ability to form alliances based on wants and needs is not the main focus of this.. 

This idea.. which I can’t put a name for, because individualism doesn’t seem fitting… but it would be something along those lines of individuality something.. It has made me wonder what compelled 1/3 of the group to arrive at different times and also leave at different times.. leaving one day of the weekend the only possible day for city exploration.. why was it ok to leave people to go their own way? Why not remain as a group and gather everyone’s needs and ideas together and come up with the best plan?? Why ?? When a suggestion that you don’t gel with is made you are silent, but then whisper with your new found comrade and together dominate the thinking of the group to cater to your own needs… time and time again.. 
Am I the individual? Trying to be individualistic with an individualism state of mind, clashing with these collectivists that band together and silently creep here and there to get what they want?!? 

Spending this weekend with all these dominant but massively passive characters really drained my capacities!!! Even in typing away at this I feel confused…

It also makes me sad… because we all came together for one weekend, for one purpose but no one was able to actually commit to the purpose.. everyone was still very much caught up in their own lives with their own thoughts to be able to sit back and consider themselves as a mere cog in a machine that could possibly not function as good as it can be if everyone wasn’t contributing and thinking too.. who knows?? Maybe if we go to your concert I might enjoy it and be pleasantly surprised… maybe also if you come to my suggestion of art exhibition the same may apply for you.. 

I wonder if I’m speaking sense…

But it’s something I have experienced on a number of holidays with UK friends.. the classic, classic situation of someone deciding that they want something and not at all for one second being interested in what you might want, or meeting at the middle.. “I want a burger for lunch, so do you want to go and get your stuff and we can meet back at the hotel?” <<<< I don’t get it???? Why did we organise a trip together for 2 days if we are going to spend dinner apart?? Which kind of makes up like nearly half of the experiences we have at our disposal??? 
Once, when waking with friends in a valley we came to a cross roads.. a mere diversion in a path, one lower and one higher.. one individual decided her way was the way to go, convinced her partner and proceeded on her route while the group was standing around trying to figure it out together.. she turned back and said you guys decide I’m doing this, I think it’s best?!?!? Where on earth was she going?? When she gets to the same place that we are all headed and she is there alone (albeit with the partner)… what is she going to do then?? 

Would it have been so terrible to go a longer way and walk an extra 15 minutes more than you needed too?? Isn’t that what makes a group trip so fun??? The group mistakes? Group endeavours? Group benefits? Group mistakes? >>> where did I go wrong?

One more example… volunteering in Calais before the Paris attack at the concert hall.. my bed had tics!!! It was fucken horrendous… no one gave a fucking damn about my conundrum.. we were in Calais!!!! Helping refugees, for this ‘greater good’ and my friends could-not-care-less! (Of course to a certain extent, I am slightly exaggerating about the caring less part…. but I did certainly feel like someone could give me a hand here, they just kinda left me to my own devices and were there to be a listening ear rather than practical support!?!?) 

Does anyone get what I’m trying to say here?? 

Life lesson number 1 

Life is hard… don’t be so hard on yourself when you don’t get it right.. reflect! It’s fucking hard… you’re not the only one who is struggling through. Don’t you dare be bamboozled into thinking that guy with the fast car and high flying job doesn’t have his own demons.. better yet.. fuck him! Why are you even thinking about him? 

What about you? What have you learnt today? About yourself? Were you surprised by anything? Disappointed by someone? How so? Was it something you said? Or didn’t do? Spend your time thinking about yourself, how you can improve… of course.. if you find yourself in a downward spiral of self denigration/self loathing, okay! Fair enough, but try.. your best to get back on the pathway of self learning. 

Be kind to yourself. Good night. 

What’s the difference between psychosis and being drunk? – the option to choose? 

At work today I sat looking after a young girl who has had a psychotic breakdown.. 16years old… I watched her moving around her room, talking to herself, to me… rambling about random things, fleeting things going through her mind… I sat watching her sit on the floor in funny positions and do other odd things with her body, whilst still muttering things to herself.. and to me… I saw her looking at her hands as if that’s the first time she’s ever laid eyes on them.. slow, movements, odd movements, funny epiphanies… delayed processing….. and I thought to myself about friends or random strangers I’ve seen in a similar state of mind when intoxiated.. it made me think of why addictions exist?? – could it be partly for this pull to insanity… a moment in time where we can forget about our deep and traumatising pains and just be silly, be slow, discoordinated, random, sloppy…. and everything else in between?? Feeling ‘insane’ and out of our minds is certainly closer to all of us than we allow ourselves to believe… if I’m right… then the vast majority of us are getting plastered on Saturday nights, willingly allowing ourselves to be pulled into the madness… if only it relieves us for a second of our real terrors and fears. 

ASSUMPTIONS based on your own PROJECTIONS are bad for other people.

My number 1 new years resolution this year is to try to train myself to NOT MAKE ASSUMPTIONS based on my own projections. Quite often  I feel like I assume random, perhaps logical, things about people and situations. I don’t like this. Both for personal and professional reasons. I feel like it is a bad habit. With little to go on my mind starts to over work about why a particular situation maybe the way it is, why, what, who, where… I feel like it only serves to take away from the experience of the person or the event. As if I try to tell someones story for them, without hearing it from them. I do take note that, there may be a time where assumptions, or rather associations and interpretations would be helpful… But I want to work on not doing it in the first instance of conversations.

An example of what I mean:

Staying at friends house one weekend. My friend and her partner are very active individuals. On one morning my friend had to go in for a shift at work and left early, leaving myself, my partner and her partner. Through out the morning I thought I could hear movement in the house. My partner slept beside me. I, awake earlier sat reading. When my partner woke and was tip toeing and whispering about the place I said, ‘Not to worry, i think partner X has already been up and gone for a run this morning.’ At this point I was quite convinced of my story, although I had very little to go on. Only the fact that I could hear random sounds, which I assumed were the movements of a man getting ready for a run, and the fact that the man in question was an athlete. So given these two details, he obviously woke up early and went for a run.Might I add here that waking up early and starting the day with a run may be one of my all time favourite things to do. I was up early but neglected to bring my gym kit with me, hence the reading. [this makes me think now that it may be an interplay between projections and assumptions about the other, based on my own state of mind]

When we all eventually woke and bathed, the three of us met in the kitchen. Having a casual chat in the kitchen the topic of his morning run came up. ‘No he said, with a quizzical look upon his face. Ive been in bed all morning.’ I was instantly annoyed with myself.

Another example:

I work on a work as a Health Care Professional and one of my long standing,  good friends is a Staff Nurse on the same ward. Whilst we have, without words, negotiated the intricacies of our relationship as friends and then as professionals I feel like sometimes the issues of her being in a higher position of authority than I reveals itself.

A few days ago I was coming on for a night shift, my friend/colleague asked me to do a particular job overnight. When she returned for the early shift in the morning I let her know, in a charismatic, proud to have completed the task kind of way, that I had done what she had asked.

She looked (I felt) disinterested in my news. I was slightly taken aback. And instantly put it on the fact that perhaps I was too friendly with her and she was here as a staff nurse, with other staff nurses and couldn’t be seen to be mingling or associating with one such health care assistant. So, I packed my bags and left her to it.

10 mins down the line I received a call from her asking if I was home. Affirmative. She said she had fallen off her bike and hit her head on the way in from work and she is feeling rather queazy. Could I come and pick her up?

See what I mean about ASSUMPTIONS or PROJECTIONS of your own wishes and insecurities.

Do others know what I mean by this? Do you have your own examples?


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