Something happened this morning that really made me think about who I am. It was a situation that is replayed over and over again yet for some reason this morning I sort of stopped and went, ‘ huh? That’s interesting’ …
I suppose I should start from the beginning in order to contextualise this little epiphany of mine.. A few days ago I was with my partner. We weren’t up to much, she was trying to make samosas for her family and I was just a bystander, relaxed in her kitchen. Previously in the day my father had said he’d like to take us for dinner at 1800 and that that was when he had made the booking for at the restraunt. Around 1700 my sister and a family friend who is staying with us, called me to ask if I wanted to be picked up, in order for me to go to dinner. My partner on one end didn’t like that idea as she wanted to spend as much chill time with me as she could and so I came up with a plan to meet my sister half way and then we all make our way to dinner…. I gave my sister a heads up that I would be there in 15mins… On the other hand I was delayed and my partners house where some other visitor was teaching me how to shoot hoops.. Anyways.. I ended up getting to the meeting point at 1800 (dinner reservation time) and I couldn’t see my sister anywhere? I texted her phone, she eventually replied saying she’s paying her bill.. And I IMMEDIATELY felt my blood boiling. I started shouting in the car, not really at my partner but at the situation, why aren’t they ready? I told them I’d be here? How can they wait for me to arrive to then get the bill?? Can’t they tell the time? Don’t they care about dad? Why don’t they care? Are they ungrateful? Why am I here? When my girlfriend was happily going to drop me off at the dinner location, instead these guys wanted to pick me up and go together and so now we’re all screwed together?!?! Late?!? Why am I involved? Seriously where the fuck are they?? When they eventually got to the car and told me that there car is parked at the back of the damn building in another car park, on an empty tank I was absolutely fuming?!? I screamed, threw my toys out the box, really, really was pissed off with their lag of organisation and lack of prioritising… (All the while, I was also actually late to get there).. I was raging, shouting, not swearing at the girls but just Fing this and Fing that.. They were pissed with me, we were late. It was just all a shambles.. Needless to say we had an argument, they stopped responding, that fumed me up even more.. It was just a disaster. Needles to say we got to the restraunt even before my dad (however later he said he was waiting for us at home but he seemed fine either way)..
Now this morning, because we have a shortage of a car and we have 3 people who sometimes need to be in different places it was arranged that our family friend go for her early morning appointment whilst my dad drops my sister and I off at the gym and then our friend comes and picks us up after. My dad was delayed, took longer than he usually does to get to work but then literally what felt like 5 mins he was standing in the corridor outside the room telling us he’s ready and ‘let’s go’ – we were hardly ready, I mean he didn’t even give us a heads up.. Last time I saw him he was lying in bed Charing with my mum?!?!? Anyways, low and behold… When he saw we were semi ready HIS blood started to boil, he started getting frustrated, he raised his voice a little and then stormed out the house, demonstrating that he would leave us if we delayed him… By some miracle we get to the car as he is starting it all flustered and panting, all warmed up for our workout and he is now super chilled, talking to us as he calmly takes us to the gym.
I feel as though I haven’t given enough details in the story but I hope that I have been able to touch in the essence of this thought. This morning as I did my workout I reflected on those similarities that I found between my father and I. Both in a situation where we have responsibilities but also want to keep everyone happy. My dad, obviously the bread and butter of the family, also has meetings and people waiting for him.. But he still wants to lend a helping hand at home and make sure we get to where we need to be… I, hanging out with my partner, some random person wanting to teach me bball, me wanting to get to dinner on time! And so the slightest element that threatens me achieving what I need to and keeping everyone happy sets me into some kind of rage mode and I blame and shout and get angry when all I’m feeling is that I’ve been let down by the people around me that I’m working so hard to please. It sucks. But it is a defender mechanism that is not conducive to healthy relationships.
This really made me think about how I’ve learnt and decided to practice my personality in time pressured situations that involve people I deeply care about.. It gave me perspective. Just how I had a need to satisfy someone’s motivation to teach me how to play ball, that subsequently made me late, my sister and friend wanted the most out of the people they were with and understandably waited till I got there to start making the move to go.
Personally, I feel I would have had the car ready, had put fuel earlier and probably would have at the very least asked the waiter for the bill.. Especially since we were so obviously running late already.. But they are not me and I was not the one in the situation sooooo it’s sort of pointless to think like that. I will never be able to know the real reasons behind why the two of them couldn’t get organised.. But that’s not really important. We all have our own motivations and reasons .. But it’s what we do with them. I hope someday I can grow into someone that can harness their unwanted emotions and take care of them and nurture them so that they don’t bite me in the ass and make me a raging fool when they come out.