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Today I had the ‘pleasure’ of having my first supervision session for my new job. When setting up the session I assumed it was supposed to be the initial meat and great, hello how are you I am your supervisor, welcome… type thing.. it turned out to be a haphazard, rushed, semi nonsensical emotional 15 minute thingy-ma-bob, that left me slightly bemused and amazed at the way I had handled it, or perhaps even the way in which I was handled?!? Perhaps a bit of both.
This shambles of which partly owed by the supervisee herself, whom, with no fault of her own has (I think) received no training whatsoever for the job of supervisor to myself…. She is also a woman who, possibly through no fault of her own too, tries to juggle a million and one tasks all in the space of a million and one other tasks, making our session run late, without order, without a pre-structured set of questions and left me and her sort of scrambling for ways in which to start and then direct the meeting.

Also partly owing to the fact that I seem to be one unfortunate individual who appears to masochistically take in and feed off all the projections from absolutely anyone I encounter. Thus rendering me an extremely emotionally and somewhat thought and emotionally disordered individual who struggles to decipher my feelings and other feelings, who am I, who are they… and also to separate myself from those feelings that don’t belong to me.

Needles to say I then decided I was going to focus on a checklist of things I needed to know. Of course, when in doubt, take care of the housekeeping and the tangible problems we face. She then throws in a curve ball. “So how are you finding it?” she asks, “It’s great, great, I am really enjoying it here [eyes start to well up]” … “are you ok?” she asks.. “Yes, yes I am fine, it’s just coming from working on a forensic ward I sometimes look at the young people on this ward and I can see their adult counterparts.” I continue to ramble on about how it seems very upsetting to me to see these young people with their lives ahead of them and to know that some of them are going to end up stuck in the system, into a revolving door situation where they end up not being able to function in the real world and life becomes about mental health, another day on a locked ward, another incident, another superficial suicide attempt, another, another, another, without seeming to go anywhere but nowhere or even backwards. I was very surprised by how I was feeling, so much so that after this meeting the feelings lingered and I felt it very difficult to settle myself through out the rest of the shift.

It makes me worry really. You think you become used to mental health and the people you meet along the way… And then someone asks you a question and you sort of crumble at the pressure of being asked, ‘how are you?’

On the outside I really love the new place that I am based. I am being let into a whole new world of childhood psychosis, this ADHD that people have been talking about for years, autism, childhood eating disorders… family therapy.. It’s all very new and very exciting. But, and as I  came to realise this afternoon, deeply, deeply painful to be intertwined within.

Very, very strange feelings lingering this evening. I am thinking if I have it in me, am I too much of an emotional wreck… Am I over involved, too pre-occupied on analysing situations that I become side tracked. Trying too hard to get to deep rooted emotions which then overwhelm me and I cant function cognitively and logistically… Who knows where this journey is taking me. Strangely enough I am also very excited for the end product… Only time will tell.