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As a young wannabe Psychotherapist my mind overwhelms me. I have always been somewhat of a questioneer* but I feel at this particular time in my life I have started to dig deep into my own realms, I have had some insight, which has led me to more questioning and I feel stuck, somewhat in a spiral of confusion and questions… only sometimes I may have an epiphany or be able to sit and appreciate the journey, but for the most part, right now its a struggle.

Having been in personal therapy for 2 years, studied psychology and then counselling for a total of 7 years… As well as 2 years clinical experience with adults and adolescents…. I feel like an emotional wreck inside.  Although a bit of experience under my belt I feel I am only just opening up the possibilities of my mind… Although exciting, right now I’m plagued with doubt and very nervous about whether or not I can handle it.

I am pretty sure this confusing spiral was prompted by conversations with my therapist about race, and the dynamics of race and ethnicity at my work place; How irritable I got when a white member of staff repeatedly asked a black member of staff how to pronounce his 3 lettered name. I then came to realise how much judgement I pass on a second to second basis. Not just the judgement such as that white member of staff is being an ass, its not that hard a word. But also more deep, such as the black member of staff, having come from African roots is probably not going to like the idea of the lgbt policy. I feel more and more that judging a situation, especially prematurely can be very dangerous for relationship of all kind.  Because of this discovery about myself, at the moment I have become somewhat of an agoraphobic. Many, many things about social situations overwhelm me on a daily basis.

‘Simple’ conversations I have had with people will either be too overwhelming and I’ll shut down and think nothing of it… Sometimes I force myself to not be too quick to judge someone, or if i have judged them I try very hard to leave those thoughts at bay and face them without it on another occasion.Sometimes I intentionally block myself from thinking anything what so ever, if my partner asks what I thought of someone I would disengage, give menial answers…

Most of the time my mind will rattle on and on, clench every word, every syllable, every movement, sigh, smile, gesture… and try to find meaning in it, then draw conclusions about people, some whom I have only just met.

For instance…. why in the world did the sunbather just come and tell me that I am working out wrong? I understand that there were times I was banging the weights down on the seated leg press, but in my opinion I am very competent in weight training and take the banging noise to be more of a glitch in the machinery, rather than my actions? But she felt the need to walk from outside of the gym, come into it, not greet me, and tell me I will ‘explode the machinery’ and ‘Im doing it wrong’ because of the noise.
The rational me understands that situation as someone literally wanting to sunbathe in peace, but unfortunately could over hear my banging in the gym, she needed to get rid of the disruption so came over and did what needs to be done. Yes her manner could have been improved upon, but its just the way she speaks?!?! Here’s me… choosing to keep going back to the damn situation, over and over again, to think about the way she came to me, how quick it was for her to make the decision to come over to talk to me someone she doesn’t know, tell me off like a child who doesn’t know better by the way that she can then open her mouth and give me extremely false information. I have thought also about the reasons why she needed to be sunbathing, in complete silence to start with, outside. I thought about the way she approached me and the ay she spoke to me? Is that how she speaks to her hypothetical child? Is that how her hypothetical parents or partner weak to her so its then easy to pass on that irritation to unsuspecting strangers???  It was just a fascinating experience, but it left me with too many questions to bare… So simple yet so freaking complicated. And also very infuriating. Jealous of how quickly she was able to rectify her uncomfortable situation but irritated by her lack of cordiality and incompetence. I was minding my own business, working out, enjoying it…. WHY did she have to come over and disrupt that! (the irony)

It is a very difficult thing. To lead a non judgemental life. Very quick to pass judgement, to think we know. Because someone is one way in one moment we just assume that is what make their entire being?! Of course it isn’t true, all I have to do is look within myself… Look at the layers upon layers that have created me, the defense mechanisms that are so apart of me, that define me… If I can look into myself and see so much colour, then why wouldn’t that be true for others?

As I near the end of my thoughts in this post… I find myself thinking about my therapist. I haven’t been for 3 weeks now, 1 more week and I will be back in her office. However, at the moment I am not feeling a connection between the two of us. I am thinking of discontinuing my sessions. I don’t know. I am feeling too un-contained and I guess I blame her. Who knows.

Less Judging – More Empathy – More Living – Less Judging is the moral of this story.